March 1, 2011 by Dan Patton
The halftime show of Super Bowl XLV taunted reluctant terrorists around the world.
Beginning with a mob of what appeared to be teenagers dancing in North Korean-style choreographic perfection, cutting to a network of remote control cameras zipping down overhead wires and climaxing with a band of giddy millionaires sporting Road Warrior dunce costumes onstage, the spectacle celebrated America’s world renowned apathy towards nations where fanatical devotion leads to kidnapping, torture and death. In football terms, it was a fitting highlight to the halfway point of our nation’s most highly viewed sporting event. Some even called it the best ever. But to desperate foreigners all over the globe, it was enough to pack a suicide vest before the game resumed.
Of course, the Super Bowl is hardly a forum for establishing international compassion; rather, it is a showcase for organized violence, sexy pop culture and expensive television commercials. This is the reality our nation has created with a historic combination of self evident truths, free market competition and beer. There are few like it on earth, especially when you factor in a sport that everyone else mocks with the same disdain and puzzlement that Americans feel for soccer.
Likewise, the Black Eyed Peas are not ambassadors of good will; rather, they are pop celebrities who have ascended to a level of stardom where grownups can behave like spastic super heroes and still take themselves seriously. By the time the stink of oppression reaches the VIP level of their continental bottle service, the pungency of widespread oppression has been completely dilluted by the fumes of a thousand fog machines and the aroma of a million ravers dry-humping on ecstasy to Lady Gaga’s latest controversial number.
Americans have fought long and hard for the right to enjoy this sport. Witness the legendary USO shows where the likes of Bob Hope and Marilyn Monroe entertained troops overseas. Behold the multitude of classic World War II posters that urged citizens to “Give Us Lumber For More PT’s,” “Save Rubber For Victory” and “Buy More War Bonds.” Think of the fact that the nation boasted a thriving War Bond industry.
Still, there are those who insist on bringing deadly frustration to national traditions of high contact, cleavage bearing drunkenness.
In a recent story titled, “US Authorities Can’t Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship,” The Onion referred to an American ocean liner as, “a giant, floating symbol of everything that is truly god-awful about America,” and quoted a fake US authority who said the tragedy, “actually makes a pretty solid point about American excess run amuck.”
But the truth is, American consumers wage a deadly battle every day: unbridled profiteering blitzes them from strip malls throughout the repubic. During a recent incident at a 7-11 store, the ambient bounce of Eddie Grant’s “Electric Avenue” got interrupted by a spokeswoman who shrieked from a wide screen color monitor hanging from the ceiling.
“Hey! Up here! Hi there!” she cried. Then she reminded shoppers that 7-11 is a great place to buy cheap donuts.
Most were able to make it home without falling victim to the deep-fried menace.