Veggie Trays Versus Taco Bell
February 1, 2013 by Dan Patton
The people at the Center for Science in the Public Interest appear to know a whole lot about eating what’s good for you and very little about watching football. It’s a dangerous combination, more volatile than Mentos and Diet Pepsi. It can bring grief. It can cause harm. It can be a pain in the ass. Especially if you’re a fast food restaurant.
On January 27, the organization tweeted “shame” upon Taco Bell. They were upset about a commercial claiming that people “kinda’ hate you” if you bring a veggie tray to a watch a football game with your friends. The tweet, apparently, reached a forest of tree huggers who seem to have lots of free time from not showering. Thousands joined the rage against the commercial. On January 28, CSPI Nutrition Policy Director Margo G Wootan praised Taco Bell for pulling the ad.
“The last thing healthy fruits and vegetables needed was to be the subject of attack ads,” she said.
So, advertising agencies, let that be a lesson to you: fruits and vegetables have “needs.” Moving forward, this will be quite a challenge to your creative efforts. For there is no consumer more discriminating than one who passionately and righteously anthropomorphizes stuff that grows in dirt.
Say what you want about football fans — they’re drunks, they’re slobs, they’re immature. It’s all true. As a matter of fact, an impromptu competition to be the drunkest, sloppiest and most immature lush in the bar often makes a fine substitution for those unfortunate games when your team faces certain defeat (or, if you’re a Cleveland Browns fan, every Sunday from September to January.) Who cares? Football fans don’t hurt anyone but themselves, for the most part, because no one’s trying to make them eat a carrot while they’re drinking beer. That’s why so many of the commercials that target football fans have traditionally involved little more than stupid humor and cleavage.
But that’s all changed now that the Center for Science in the Public Interest have come hacky-sacking onto the national grid iron. According to them, we must treat plants as if they were a bunch of sissies who throw like a girl. Because plants have needs.
Thing is, consuming meat is as old as the game itself. Consider the Green Bay Packers, the team that won the first two Super Bowls. Their nickname, “Packer,” comes from a meat packing company that touted the slogan, “A meat market on your pantry shelf.” The Indian Packing Company also donated the use of their athletic field and $500 to the organization that today bears the oldest team name still in use in the NFL.
If that’s not enough, let’s pose the question to “Mr Football” himself, Art Donovan, a defensive tackle for the legendary Baltimore Colts. He considers bologna to be gourmet food, claims to have weighed 17 pounds at birth and loves Spam. In light of these facts, we can only assume that he would punch you in the head for merely uttering the word, “broccoli.”
No one really likes raw vegetables anyway, The “garnish” that garnishes an entrée is usually a plant that is never eaten, 80% of all food waste is fruits and vegetables, and Adam was tempted by an apple not a taco. Even more compelling is the fact that two of those statements are somewhat true.
Of course, to be fair, Taco Bell sucks.
Still, the only thing more hateful than bringing a vegetable tray to a Super Bowl party is bringing a member from the Center for Science in the Public Interest to a Super Bowl party.